Dear Government – Help us help America

Dear Government,

It is with great pleasure and unbridled optimism that I submit our application for the Profits Privatized – Losses Socialized or PPLS program. SIG is an insurance start-up that provides social network insurance. Simply put, we insure electronic friendships on social networks.

Social networks are very much like a combination of a dictaphone and a Rolodex, only the communications are conducted through a computer connected by a series of tubes to other computers. As such, we are sure that no one in America can afford to lose their portfolio of electronic friends. Our insurance products will be a vital part of insuring American society against friendship defaults.

Unfortunately, our ability to raise capital is being unfairly impinged upon by market forces. People are refusing to lend us money based on our potential fundamentals. We appreciate the government’s proactive approach in removing such irrationality from the market. Only the goodwill and general ignorance of the American taxpayer can rescue us at this time.

Our business will be huge. We will be providing social network insurance to over 600 million Americans (yes, this is 200% of the US population; some people have multiple accounts proving how vitally important SIG will be to our economy.) If SIG defaults on the insurance that we hope to one day underwrite, it will cause catastrophic systemic failure that could spread to societies worldwide. This will lead to another Depression. Please note that we do not mean a technical Depression as defined by economists; we just mean that a lot of people will be very depressed in the psychological sense. Which will be catastrophic.

America cannot afford this. By allowing SIG to prequalify for the Profits Privatized – Losses Socialized program, we will be able to use the guarantee of the government’s beneficence to raise capital from private sources. It seems clear to us that for market forces to function properly, massive government intervention is required.

As a company that will insure far more people than AIG, you will be pleased to learn that SIG will only seek $5 billion if and when we are at the risk of default. If we exercise our option to draw upon the bridge loan, we will provide the Federal Reserve with warrants for 79.9% of our equity. I can assure you that there is almost no risk of us defaulting. It is absolutely unforeseeable. Please don’t worry.

I thank you in advance for allowing the taxpayers of America to promote the interests of free market capitalism in the only way possible: Government support. Once PPLS leaves the pilot-stage, the consequences are profound. American business can be perpetually protected against losses. Imagine a thriving economy where businesses simply refuse to lose. Every decade or so, the government can simply grant a lifeline to a troubled sector and simply roll in the entire cost as a part of our national debt. This is the only way to encourage responsible practices in our economy.

SIG is excited to be part of the Profits Privatized – Losses Socialized program. From our perspective, it seems like a win-win proposition.

Yours truly,